The Power of Insecurity
Identity, Self-Hatred and Facing Your Fears
About a month ago, I attended a presentation a couple of weeks ago at a Baptist church on the history of African Egyptians and the influence of Africans in History, Religion, and Science.
I learned a lot from the presentation. The room was growing more and more electric, as though confidence was being passed around like free gift.
“This is the history they don’t want you to know,” our presenter said, paraphrased. “If you don’t know your history, you won’t know who you are.”
Rising up out of me was an all too familiar mixture of emotions that I’ve grown accustom too. I had hoped to already have gotten over such a pain. But, it was rising back up.
I was feeling a mixture of depression, embarrassment, frustration, awkwardness, fear, anger, and doubt.
My wife could tell I was in a bad mood. It took over an hour for me to actually explain in detail what I was feeling.
The presentation opened my eyes to something I didn’t really want to say out loud — I was still feeling a certain level of hatred for myself.
Growing up, being told I was “acting white” because of the way I talked or dressed and being teased and bullied for not fitting the stereotypes of black boys, drowned me in a sea of overwhelming criticism, embarrassment, doubt, and confusion.
After the presentation, and the 24-hours of emotional reeling, I prayed and forgave those who wronged me and prayed and asked the Lord to forgive me for hating me.
“Now what?” I thought.
Interestingly enough, the sermon at church the day after that presentation was on hope.
Days after that, I began to feel a calling on my life to write and draw more, and to get as real and honest as can be as it relates to the Black experience.
My personal Bible study and devotional time began to focus more on the cause and effect of insecurity and self-hatred, and the importance of living with a boldness that said that I refused to live in sin and I refused to stay stagnant.
Insecurity was hurting my writing. I was thinking more about what people would think, say, or even do rather than consider the joy and relief of speaking truth to power and sharing powerful stories and encouraging others to do so.
Now, I’m committed to facing my fears. I choose to face the fact that not everyone is going to like me and that it is okay. I face the fact that not everyone is going to appreciate what I create and that’s okay.
Feedback is not final.
